I am a person that has experienced death way too many times for my twenty- five years on this earth. It is safe to say funerals are not for me neither is crying or feeling helpless.
Those were the feelings I’ve felt through the years; I’ve always been a person that questions everything and hoping to see the positive side of a situation.
Having to have that core factor of yourself stripped and ripped apart by the loss of someone felt like an out-of-body experience, not the kind where you get to see your future or anything like that.
The feeling of looking at yourself from the outside and all you see are the fragments of your being slowly breaking with no way of repairing it. The loss of someone that was literally the one that holds you up is the absolute worst.
A parent. The definition of a parent is a guardian; someone that takes care of you, guides you through life but in that definition, it never states how you are meant to deal with that parent not being able to do those things anymore.
Throughout my life I have always known one common fact, everything happens for a reason. Would I really be human if I disagree with that notion at times?
There’s a reason for everything, yes, but that reason sometimes hinders a person’s ability to breathe or wanting to at times. It’s a hard truth but it is a feeling I often felt when the loss happened and honestly, still feel.
Nothing, although I often think it does, nothing fills the emptiness you feel knowing that all the things you achieve in life, that person is never going to be able to see it but there’s a higher being that I believe in that somewhat reassures me.
God.
Yes, I won’t lie I got angry at him and I sometimes still do but I know that he is with those that I’ve lost, and they are looking down at me. My religion… my faith, has been one of the things that have helped me deal but it could only go so far.
Depression and anxiety have been things that I have to deal with. Life after death is not fair, having to deal with the death of someone or more than one person is not fair.
Sometimes I wish there was a time machine that I could use but I also know if that were real it wouldn’t change anything really. Life is about growth and shaping yourself within the circumstances given.
Have I grown over the years of losing multiple people who have impacted my life? I believe I have. Am I more determined to make something of myself to make them proud? That’s not even a question, that will definitely happen.
So, here’s the thing I’ve learned: death and the life that is left behind is exactly that. Death is an experience no one likes but you lived, I lived, and I know it is in my best interest and there’s that I live it to the fullest until we meet again.
By Deanna Tuitt
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